At Ease in My Own Shell

Psalm 37:3 -4

Trust in the Lord, and do good;
    dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.^[b]
4 Delight yourself in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.

For the longest time, especially before I was married, I had always felt a bit different, a bit more soulful. My mother used to call it “being deep.”

I suppose I daydream a bit too much, for some people’s taste, and often the “logical approach” and  “dry humor” gets lost on me.  There “has to be something more” seems to be a common thought for me and this often gets me into trouble, especially when my mind takes flight to to more  colorful places and the drudgery of housework takes the back burner.    I am sure some of you can relate and whereas others  may wonder , how can one’s priorities  can get so convoluted. Well, I am finally taking a mature step and asking myself the same thing, and the “light is beginning to dawn.”

Having grown up as a “TK”  (teachers kid) and then moving on into educational field myself, I had been exposed to the “mindset ” intellect is power” and the more you knew , book wise, the  more important your position and worth.    It seemed impossible  to catch up to those in my former profession,  comparing my self to the “Superstars” of the working class; The “Go Getters” and “Workaholics” and  my admiration of them  often bordered on idolatry. I am so thankful that the Lord kept refocusing me , because  if He had not, the subtle spiral in my confidence and \the effects that  began to really haunt me, could  have lead to some serious repercussions, ie: my marriage.

Due to a  health condition, and  with a conflicted heart, I retired from a  position in a local school, and began a three year journey, of rediscovering, or perhaps more like “uncovering,” the” truest me” possible. In this I mean, not with new age and incense burners, but more like hitting wall after wall, facing fear after fear. I began to recognize  and admit to my  the sin of selfishness and anger  I had been harboring  against  God, who has done nothing but bless me with with the greatest of  all blessings. A Father who loved me with a  with a love so deep that no human mind can comprehend it but  left us His Word to to help us understand and prove it!

I had been running from Him because I wanted to live life the way I thought I ought to live it!  Living with serious health problem,  leaving a job that I loved and  being married without children all gnawed at me.

Teaching had been all  I had known, it had given me a source of identity,  pride and certain amount of prestige.  The more prestige one had, the more respect  the “Superstars” seemed to give, but then I started to ask,  ” Who  could really matter that much?  Who was I willing to give my soul, mind and, body To?”   I was allowing myself to be entrapped  in this  childlike  ” if I impress you, will you respect and like me”  mind game.  Here is where “putting  priorities in the proper order” comes into play.

The relationships I longed for were only very poor substitutes for what was really  missing.  I desired someone to trust, someone to give me acknowledgement that I was worthwhile, I needed someone who I could serve wholeheartedly!  I thought I needed to earn the right, but then then I was graciously reminded last night, that in my search to discover that “person”, I had been denying myself of the , greatest  relationships of my life:  God and His gift  of his Son sacrifice for me.

I also realized that I had also been short shifting my best earthly companion and friend, my most loving  husband.  Without my job, and other distractions of the world, the Lord had used this time to help me  understand that “the something more” was My relationship with the Lord  !  I am ”  different” and “deeper”because my identity rests in my relationship with Him and not ones of my own making.

I was reminded, in a very powerful way, that serving Our Fathe in Heaven and following His direction , especially my first ministry as a  a wife,   is no small challenge!  I have  been  given the opportunity to  not only let go of my  fears and bring order to my priorities , but to also submit my heart, mind and soul to Him (  a great privilege!!) ,  I am free to love  and be loved without fear or rejection!!!

For the first  time in years, I am comfortable in my own skin!  I was not created to be a “Superstar,” ”  Go Gettter” or “Workaholic” ., but to be more thoughtful, more caring,  slow to anger,  and to approach life in a more discerning manner. I only need to ask and make my relationship with God  first priority.

Sharing this revelation with my Hubby, he could only pray and thank the  Lord for answered prayers, for he to had been lead  to some conclusions as well .  He said   that night at bible study he realized that , as a leader of the house, he needed to  “Wash me in the Word daily” and that “our mornings will begin with a time of worship and devotion to our Father.”  I was overcome with gratitude, for I had been trying to express this need in our home for a long time, and the Lord had reached our hearts and blessed us both in the process!!  Here is the verse hubby  shared with me this morning, it is more powerful than ever as we begin our  building of a marriage so grand, only the Lord can take the credit for it!!!

Deuteronomy 6:5-9

⁵ You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. ⁶ And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. ⁷ You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. ⁸ You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. ⁹ You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

And  some more wonderful reminders from the Book of Ephesians, that we are new Creations in Christ and our identity and worth lie in Relationship that we have with the  Father .  I pray that we can all feel at peace in whatever  your calling may be.

Eph 4:1 – 6, 17 – 24

4 I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, ² with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, ³ eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. ⁴ There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call— ⁵ one Lord, one faith, one baptism, ⁶ one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.

¹⁷ Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. ¹⁸ They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. ¹⁹ They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. ²⁰ But that is not the way you learned Christ!— ²¹ assuming that you have heard about Him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, ²² to put off your old self,^[f] which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, ²³ and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, ²⁴ and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.

Eph . 3: 20 – 21

²⁰ Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, ²¹ to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

postscript:

yes, the pic above right  is of ” a true to myself ” moment!! ,, and to ease some of your wondering minds: , the turtle tattoo was artistically done   in “sharpie” 🙂  at a luau on the Big Island of Hawaii 🙂